December 31st marks the anniversary of the day my husband proposed to me.. its such a bittersweet memory. New Years Eve has always been a difficult day for me so it's special that that is the day he chose to propose.. he turned my sad day into a happy day. Memories are nice when they are sweet... but sometimes the sweet ones turn sad, too. Anyway, to you: I hope you have a sweet and safe New Years! Cheers!
Yay, Christmas was here and now is gone. Now, just waiting for New Years Eve to get here and be gone. I know that sounds so negative. I hate how negative it is but the truth is, I am just soooooooooooo done with 2009. Done. Done. Done. Done. It's not even that I'm excited for 2010, I'm actually kind of scared of it. It's just that I'm literally living moment by moment at the moment and since I'm in 2009, I'm talking about 2009. I'm just at a place in my life where HUGE decisions have to be made. There is no other way around it and I fear these choices. I don't want to mess up. Life is so difficult. I want to do what is right, but I'm not sure what right is. I'm not sure what I want or what I'm supposed to want. Sometimes I think I want things that are wrong. My mind just won't stop going in circles. If only my thoughts wouldn't haunt me for 5 minutes!
I really can't believe it's almost a new year. Time flies and it really hurts my heart. I don't want time to pass me by anymore, but how do I slow everything down? I look forward to 2010 in a way, only because 2009 was such a heart ache. I can't think of anything good that came out of it. Isn't that sad? I want to think of something, I'm trying but nothing comes to mind. It really seems to be just one thing after another that has crushed my spirit even more. Can it even be crushed anymore? I know things could always be worse. I sound so negative these days. I used to be pretty positive. Where did I go? I really don't know myself anymore. I hate that. I must say that I am very blessed in a lot of ways. I have many things to be thankful for, I really do. And, I do know this. I also know that my precious Lord doesn't give me more than I can handle, even though sometimes I wonder if I will explode into a nervous break down at any given moment. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure I've been very close. I just want things to change. I want them to sway in a direction that doesn't hurt so much. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of holding my own broken heart. I'm tired of growing older all alone. I'm tired of missing out on the little things that bring me so much joy. I'm tired of pushing the people I love far away. I'm just tired. I think 2010 will be a big year for me. I'm not sure if I'm even ready for it, but I know I don't have much of a choice. This is scary. Life. It's such a small word, but such a big thing. It's important. I was given this important, precious life. It was a gift for me. Me! What am I doing with this gift? How am I taking care of it? I'm not, sadly. These days, it seems I'm just hanging by a teeny tiny thread. One so tiny that you can't even really see it. I hate living my life this way. No one should. It's not fair to the one who gave it to us. I want to live. I don't want to just try and get through another day anymore. How do you really live? How do you do this when all the walls around you continue to crumble down. You would think that at some point there wouldn't be anything left to fall, but they just keep falling. My mind goes in circles, all day, all night. It's the same ol' thing day and night and night and day. It never stops. It's a vicious, scary cycle that I truly hate. How do I get out of this? I feel so trapped and stuck and far, far away. It seems that all the things I wanted and were given were never really there. What do I do with that? How do I proceed? Where do I go?
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