12.28.2009

bittersweet

December 31st marks the anniversary of the day my husband proposed to me.. its such a bittersweet memory. New Years Eve has always been a difficult day for me so it's special that that is the day he chose to propose.. he turned my sad day into a happy day. Memories are nice when they are sweet... but sometimes the sweet ones turn sad, too. Anyway, to you: I hope you have a sweet and safe New Years! Cheers!

12.26.2009

right and wrong


















Yay, Christmas was here and now is gone. Now, just waiting for New Years Eve to get here and be gone. I know that sounds so negative. I hate how negative it is but the truth is, I am just soooooooooooo done with 2009. Done. Done. Done. Done. It's not even that I'm excited for 2010, I'm actually kind of scared of it. It's just that I'm literally living moment by moment at the moment and since I'm in 2009, I'm talking about 2009. I'm just at a place in my life where HUGE decisions have to be made. There is no other way around it and I fear these choices. I don't want to mess up. Life is so difficult. I want to do what is right, but I'm not sure what right is. I'm not sure what I want or what I'm supposed to want. Sometimes I think I want things that are wrong. My mind just won't stop going in circles. If only my thoughts wouldn't haunt me for 5 minutes!

12.18.2009

random ponder

I really can't believe it's almost a new year. Time flies and it really hurts my heart. I don't want time to pass me by anymore, but how do I slow everything down? I look forward to 2010 in a way, only because 2009 was such a heart ache. I can't think of anything good that came out of it. Isn't that sad? I want to think of something, I'm trying but nothing comes to mind. It really seems to be just one thing after another that has crushed my spirit even more. Can it even be crushed anymore? I know things could always be worse. I sound so negative these days. I used to be pretty positive. Where did I go? I really don't know myself anymore. I hate that. I must say that I am very blessed in a lot of ways. I have many things to be thankful for, I really do. And, I do know this. I also know that my precious Lord doesn't give me more than I can handle, even though sometimes I wonder if I will explode into a nervous break down at any given moment. It hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure I've been very close. I just want things to change. I want them to sway in a direction that doesn't hurt so much. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of holding my own broken heart. I'm tired of growing older all alone. I'm tired of missing out on the little things that bring me so much joy. I'm tired of pushing the people I love far away. I'm just tired. I think 2010 will be a big year for me. I'm not sure if I'm even ready for it, but I know I don't have much of a choice. This is scary. Life. It's such a small word, but such a big thing. It's important. I was given this important, precious life. It was a gift for me. Me! What am I doing with this gift? How am I taking care of it? I'm not, sadly. These days, it seems I'm just hanging by a teeny tiny thread. One so tiny that you can't even really see it. I hate living my life this way. No one should. It's not fair to the one who gave it to us. I want to live. I don't want to just try and get through another day anymore. How do you really live? How do you do this when all the walls around you continue to crumble down. You would think that at some point there wouldn't be anything left to fall, but they just keep falling. My mind goes in circles, all day, all night. It's the same ol' thing day and night and night and day. It never stops. It's a vicious, scary cycle that I truly hate. How do I get out of this? I feel so trapped and stuck and far, far away. It seems that all the things I wanted and were given were never really there. What do I do with that? How do I proceed? Where do I go?

12.15.2009

Just Remember...

Precious Jesus is the reason for the season!
God bless you. Have a very Merry Christmas! xo.

11.03.2009

i want:

Just my personal *wish list*

received....Criminal Minds, Season 4

received....The Donna Reed Show, Season 2

received....The Donna Reed Show, Season 3

All seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm

received....Mika

received....Post Secret

received....iPod nano

received Cranberry....MAC eyeshadows: Cranberry & Twinks

received....Moleskine

Don't want but need:
New chord received!....Laptop needs to be fixed and I need a new chord for it.
Got 2 new tires but need 4 new tires now.....2 new tires for my car.

10.21.2009

my baby

I can't believe it's been a year. It seems like just yesterday. I still miss him so much every single day! I lost my dear Carm to cancer exactly 1 year ago today. I don't think this pain of losing him will ever leave! I am glad that he isn't suffering anymore and I take comfort in knowing I will see him again some day, but there are no words to express how much I miss him!

Please click here to see some very adorable pictures of my little carm cakes!

Preston & Sadie visiting their big brother today...













My Carmen...

10.11.2009

i love Him.

I had to go to someones house today.. I left my house thinking I had their key with me but once I got there I realized that I didn't. So, I got in my car and headed home confidently thinking I knew where I had the key. I got home and looked 3 times in the place the key should have been. It wasn't there.

Whenever I realize I lost something, I always go into a panic mode and start searching like crazy instead of just asking the Lord to help me find it. The reason I say this is because whenever I lose anything and I ask Jesus to help me find it, I ALWAYS find it but for some reason my first instinct is just to look, I forget to ask!

So, after looking where I thought it should have been and realizing I had no idea where this key is, I remembered.... " just pray!"

So I said this: "Dear Jesus, please help me find this key........ instantly. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

As I was praying, I was about to stop the prayer after I said "key" but then I realized I need to find this key now, not in a couple hours so I added the word instantly real fast and BEFORE I even ended the prayer, I got this vision in my mind of exactly where the key was. I finished the prayer and ran to that spot and there it was... exactly where I saw it in my head. He told me "instantly" before I even could finish my prayer. I love when He does this!!!

I have another similar story here!

10.07.2009

Bebo has always been my favorite!

for me...





Sometimes when I'm all alone
I don't know if I can
Take another breath
Some say home is where the heart is
Tell me where my home is
'Cause i'm scared to death

Falling from the rooftop
Crashing like a raindrop
Can you make my heart stop
Shaking like a leaf
Standing at the floodgate
Steady as an earthquake
Can you hear my heart break
Tearing at the seams

I am drifting in the deep end
Holding on to your hand
Is all that saves me now
Life can treat you like a beggar
You hold me together
But I don't know how
Some say home is where the heart is
And my heart is in your hands
You are all I need

Rising from the ashes
Lifting from the madness
Now you see my heart is
Deep enough to dream
Heal me from the deathblow
Lead and I will follow
Now you feel my heart glow
Mending at the seams


10.05.2009

It's finally feeling like Autumn here in southern Caifornia and I love it!

10.01.2009

thank you.

To everyone who took the time to comment and help me in the post below. Thank you with all of my heart! I haven't forgot about you and plan on getting back with each and everyone of you! I am currently dealing with some issues that are even worse than that one at the moment, so that one is on hold. Thank you again for your loving words and helpful hearts! xo.

9.22.2009

i'm seeing red



















Usually these blogs are so inspiring and pretty but not day, today I have to be real and let my current emotions just fly! The release may be good for me. Just letting it all out!

Dear Blog Readers {You)!

I’m begging you for help with a VERY personal matter! If you never come to my blog again or never post again that is okay…. but could you please at least post this one time. I’m coming to you today for REAL advice on a VERY sensitive issue that I have been dealing with all summer. An issue that I am dealing with every day at every moment and it’s been going on since the end of May. I am dealing with it right now.

As I’m writing to you, my blood is boiling. It is a very constant feeling. I am full of rage and resentment and anger because of a certain situation I was forced into. I hate that this is who I am right now, but because of this, I must warn you that the ugly side of me (not so proud of this side by the way) will be coming out in this post!

Like I said. I really, truly need your opinions/thoughts/suggestions/prayers with this matter. So, please continue reading and please post whatever comes to mind that you feel will help me!

My sister in law got pregnant by her abusive boyfriend last year. That is a story in itself. She is 24 years old but very immature for her age. She is a mess and no matter what anyone tells her, she always does the opposite of what she is supposed to do and then everyone has to pick up the pieces for her. She continues on this path because her family babies her. Her boyfriend kicked her out when their baby was 5 months old and my husband let her come stay with us. I was under the impression it would be for about 2 months! She moved in with us at the end of May. She is still with us. She doesn’t work. She has been collecting unemployment for a year now. She doesn’t have to pay rent and any money she gets, she blows, not saving a dime.

She is taking full advantage of living here and I literally feel like I am going to explode at any given moment. She is here 24/7. She never leaves our house. You would think if you’re going to force yourself in someone’s house and over stay your welcome, you would at least get out of the house during the day and let them have their personal space. She never leaves. She is either eating, sleeping or watching tv. She is very disrespectful with my things and has already ruined and broke many. She has taken over my house in all ways! I can't even tell you how many things she has done that just maks me cringe.

This is my house and I like things a certain way. I have been very nice to her, but I think too nice because she isn't getting the hint! I'm done being nice! It is only making everything worse!

I know I sound bitter. I am bitter!

I feel that she has over stayed her welcome. How long am I supposed to allow this? Trying to talk to my husband about this is like talking to a brick wall. He doesn’t give her any rules or boundaries. He just lets her do what she wants and so she does.

I have tried giving her hints that it’s time to start looking for a place and she doesn’t even acknowledge me. She does sometimes talk as though she’s going to look for a place to live or get a job, but it’s just talk.

My husband doesn’t prefer her here but he doesn’t want to be the big bad brother! Also, she looks up to him almost as if he was a God. It’s very weird. She depends on him a lot. She is very needy and can’t be alone so I think he is flattered by all of the attention!

I think it’s his place to talk to her BUT he won’t. So.. Do I? I was thinking about writing her a very real, honest letter! Something she needs to hear! She needs to get her life in order and stop intruding in ours!

I can’t live like this anymore! I’m going crazy. I know that this sounds harsh but I very upset and I don’t know how much longer I can take it!

Please help me!

9.21.2009

dressing my home.

A good friend of mine asked me to describe my style of decorating at about the very same time my good friend Anthropologie sent me an email asking me the same thing! So, here goes...



















I honestly have trouble defining my sense of style. I often think about it and try to narrow it down to something but I just can't.

Decorating my home is a HUGE passion of mine. It has always been something very important to me....ever since I was very little.

This is something that I don't talk about very often but I don't have open range to do whatever I want with my home and this is a huge struggle for me. Although this sounds ridiculous, it saddens me very much!

My style in a few short words. Things that I like and make me happy.

I think of myself as eclectic with a strong emphasis on a cozy and welcoming feel. I like splashes of different styles.

My favorite magazine is Country Living and my favorite store is Anthropologie so those two have a very strong influence in the direction that I like to decorate. I get so much inspiration from them both!

I like pieces that have a story behind them and aren't so common. I like making things myself and working on home projects rather than buying something that you could find in any living room. I also pay VERY close attention to details.

I try to stay away from trendy, new prodcucts made to look old, putting something somewhere just so it's not empty.

I like different aspects of french country, garden, rustic, scandinavian but I wouldn't say just one or all define my style.

Your home says a lot about you, I think. I aim to have a pretty, refreshing, unique, cozy place. Where people feel welcome and have a lot to look at, especially things they may have never seen before or atleast not often.

I live in what I call a "cookie cutter" house so I try very hard to make it stick out (in a good way) from the rest of tract houses!

So, I'm curious...What would you say your style is? I would love to hear how you like to decorate!

9.19.2009

just waving in the wind

I wanted to do something fun and get a flag to hang high on the hill in the back of our yard! I wanted something cute but more on the simple side. I didn't know where I would get one until I got an idea on Etsy!

After finding some cute banners HERE! I asked this super sweet girl if she would do a special order for me. She was open to anything! I asked for one huge pennant, instead of a bunch of small ones. She made me exactly what I wanted and did such a fantsatic job!

Our last name starts with an "H" so it worked out great that she could do the "H" on both sides of the flag.... free of charge! I want the flag to actually hang higher but this is where it stands for now.

It's really hard to tell in the pics but this flag is HUGE!!!

Please disregard all the dirt and ugliness... It is still in a makeover process! Once the hill is more complete and pretty, I'll show you an after pic!




9.17.2009

{quilt of the week}

Todays {quilt of the week} is sooooo simple and pretty. I just adore the pale yellow on the back side. I almost didn't want to take a picture of it out of fear the flash would deteriorate the quilt even more.... I'm joking. But, really... this thing is falling apart big time!








9.15.2009

I'M CRAZY FOR....

Click HERE to see the STRIPES that I painted in my house!



























9.14.2009

The BEST way to make YOUR dreams come TRUE is to wake up!


















I have a list of things that I would LOVE to do and I try to add to it whenever I think about it. I think it's sooo true.. if you want to do them, you need to wake up and just do them. The time is now.

If you're reading this, what are some things on your list? I would love to hear them... I may want to copy some!

Here are a few of mine:

fashion shows during ny fashion week
new years in paris
swim with dolphins
have a baby
see the grand canyon
experience a human sized maze
toned body
learn italian
skinny dip
have and organize my own big party for every person that is special to me
take a calligraphy class
make a difference in a positive way
fly first class
post secret exhibit
body world exhibit
horseback riding on the beach
have my dream home and decorate the whole thing exactly how i want
experience the pyramids in egypt
have my portrait painted
have my journals made into a book

Please share yours!

9.10.2009

{quilt of the week}

Todays {quilt of the week} was chosen for it's imperfections. Women would use whatever they had laying around (old dresses and shirts) .... the imperfections make these old quilts so perfect in my opinion!





















And, just because I love them soooo much, here are my babies... Sadie and Preston. Just hanging out!
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